What Could Have Been
by LuvsUrStory
Summary: Mello couldn't believe that it actually worked. It...it wasn't supposed to work. He was supposed to die. The entire plan was just one big death trap, it was from the minute him and Matt thought it up. Now he was alone. MxM
1. Prologue

**-A/N-**

**So this is a story now. Yay. If you haven't yet, check out my other stuff. If you have: rock on. **

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Death Note. I will never own Death Note. Things would have gone differently if I did, I assure you.**

*All criticism is welcomed. I want you to tell me what works. I want you to tell me what sucks. I won't know unless you say something. Negative criticism is Productive criticism!*

**-A/N-**

-break here and stuff-

Mello couldn't believe that it actually worked. It...it wasn't supposed to work. He was supposed to die. The entire plan was just one big death trap, it was from the minute him and Matt thought it up

He closed his eyes as Matt's voice fluttered to the surface of his memories.

_"So Kira kills with a name and a face. I bet, if you timed it right, you could legally change your name and render the effects of the Death Note useless. At least for a while."_

_"Matt, that's stupid. Don't you think L would have done that if he thought it would work?" Matt glanced up from his game before he continued._

_"L probably considered it, but with the Shinigami eyes, Kira can tell your name just by seeing your face. If L had changed his name early on, it wouldn't have made a difference in the long run. Kira still would have killed him the second he found it out. But you," Matt started to play his game again,"you have something L didn't: time. You told me that one of the Task Force members saw your name with the eyes, right?" Mello nodded._

_"If your theory about this new L being Kira is correct, then either he isn't in a position to kill you himself or he doesn't have your face. We can make a safe bet on him at least having a sketch and preparing the other Kira's with your information."_

_"I know all this Matt. Get to your point! I have an important phone call to make."_

_"Alright, alright. I'm getting there. So he's preparing the other Kira's with your name and possible face. They see you, and they'll write down your name. But," he picked up on of his cigarettes and light it,"say you change your name just before they see you. If they don't have the eyes, they won't be able to tell. It could buy you some valuable time, Mells."_

_Mello went over everything Matt just said and couldn't help but smirk. The kid was so smart when he tried._

_"Yeah? And what if it doesn't work." Matt shrugged._

_"You die. But it couldn't hurt your chances."_

Mello ran his hand over the goggles in his lap.

"You were right, Matt. I don't think Kira even suspected that I would change my name at the last minute. Sometimes, I think you could have beat Near if you had applied yourself back at Whammy's." Mello bowed his head, hiding his face behind his bangs. It hurt to think about what-could-have-beens. It hurt to think about Matt.

"Why the hell did you have to be right? I wasn't supposed to live you were! How could you let them catch you Matt?" Tears were rolling down his face now. Here he was, the great Mello, crying like a baby over his dead best friend. And he was crying hard.

Matt was the only thing Mello had resembling a family. And he had let him go without telling him goodbye. He didn't even tell him how much he meant to him. He didn't even tell him that he loved him.

Mello choked back another sob and angrily wiped his eyes. He could be sad later. He stood and walked over to his phone, trying to ignore the abandoned laptop sitting on the desk beside it. It took him a second to gather himself before he dialed the number.

"Mello." Came Near's voice.

"Did you find it yet?"

"Matt's body has not been located. We have found some records in one of the body guard's apartment. They were ordered by Takada to destroy the bodies of those who challenge Kira. There is a high probability that Matt's body was creamated." Mello closed his eyes. Not only was his friend dead, but now there was no way to give him a proper funeral.

"Does Mello wish for the SPK to continue the search?"

"No Near...thank you." Mello hung up, feeling sick. He couldn't believe he had just thanked Near for something.

What was he supposed to do now? He had no plans for his life passed capturing Kira and becoming L. Now that Kira was dead and Near was L, he had nothing. He looked down at the goggles again, fingering the lenses gently.

He did know that he couldn't stay there. The memories were going to kill him if he did. Mello gathered up some clothes, the two laptops, and a pack of Matt's cigarettes. Then he pulled the goggles down around his neck and, with a final glance around his apartment, turned to leave.

"Goodbye Matt...I love you."

-Break here-

_It was dark. Probably because they had a bag over his head again. He didn't know how long they had been moving, but it had been a while. He only hoped that wherever they were going there would be a doctor to take care of the gunshot wounds...a few bullets made it past the bullet proof vest he had under his cloths._

_He had to survive. Mello was waiting._

-Break here-

**-A/N-**

**The first review on this story is my favorite...I can't read it, but it's beautiful. Thanks guys. **

**-A/N-**


	2. Empty

**-A/N- **

**I know I said I wasn't going to post this until I finished MCRD, but I just couldn't wait. This is also very short. They will get longer starting next chapter. **

**Don't expect frequent updates.**

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Death Note. I will never own Death Note. Things would have gone differently if I did, I assure you.**

*All criticism is welcomed. I want you to tell me what works. I want you to tell me what sucks. I won't know unless you say something. Negative criticism is Productive criticism!*

**-A/N-**

* * *

Mello downed the shot and motioned for another. The liquor wasn't taking effect fast enough and he couldn't wait. There was no way he was facing tomorrow sober. He drank the shot and glanced at the clock.

_11:45 p.m._

"15 minutes until I meet my Hell," he mumbled as he took the bottle from the bartender and paid. He guzzled the liquid before staggering out of the club and into the night air. He needed to be in his apartment, where no one could see him, before _it_ started.

He struggled to unlock the door to his apartment, but eventually made it inside. Ripping the keys on the floor, he went to his fridge and pulled out a beer.

_11:52 p.m._

He moved into his bedroom and started pulling boxes out of the closet. Boxes full of Matt's precious things. After he had left Japan, Near had gathered what Mello couldn't and sent it to him. He was very grateful.

_12:00 a.m._

He closed his eyes and clenched his rosary.

"I miss you Matt." It was now 2 years to the day that the redhead had died. It still felt like yesterday.

He gently opened the first box and pulled out a game controller. He smiled fondly at it before setting it aside to rummage around the box some more. He wanted to see the kids handheld. Memories began to fill his head the second he found it. Matt never went anywhere without it.

_"Just let me beat this one level." Matt said, not looking up from his game. _

_"Matt, this is a classroom. You will turn off your game or I will confiscate it."_

_"If you take my game, I'll cry. L gave it to me." Ms. Ruiz looked stunned before huffing and turning back to the board. _

_Matt smiled, not even bothered by his lie. _

Mello wiped at his eyes, refusing to cry yet, and out down the handheld. He moved to the next box. It was full of a few of Matt's clothes. His striped shirts and jeans he was so fond of. Mello pulled one out and held it to his face, breathing in the smell of old cigarettes and dust.

_"Why do you only wear stripes? I feel like I'm rooming with a convict!" Mello threw up his hands and scowled at the boy sitting on the floor. Matt was playing his games...as usual. _

_"Why do you wear V-necks? I feel like I'm rooming with a girl." Mello stood there, stunned silent before throwing the nearest next book at Matt and smirking at the loud "ow!" that followed. _

He shook his head and placed the shirt back in the box, moving over to pull a smaller one towards him. Inside were tiny things, things that Matt had on his person sometimes or just sitting around. There was a watch and few flash drives. Every now and then an odd wire would be tangled around some mechanical contraption. And there was the old pack of cigarettes Mello had grabbed. Matt's _last_ pack of cigarettes.

_"God Matt, don't fucking smoke in the room! Open the window! Something! I hate smelling like smoke!" Matt looked up from his laptop and shrugged. _

_"Sure thing Mells . I forgot." _

_"Forgot my ass. Those things are going to kill you one day and when they do, I'll be standing on your grave saying I told you so!" _

_"Huh. I honestly don't think my smokes will get me faster than you will. What with all your crazy ideas, I doubt I'll make it to twenty." _

Mello closed his eyes and choked back a sob. Matt was right. He only made it to 19. He sat there for a few minutes, looking at all of Matt's things. The emptiness was coming again.

He stood and made his way to the dresser next to his bed. He hesitated before he pulled out the bottom drawer, revealing the only existing photo of Matt, his spare vest, and his goggles. He picked up the goggles and the picture and sat back down.

_"You look funny with this on, you know." An eight year old Mello commented. Matt shrugged and went back to his game. _

_"They look funny, but they hide my eyes. I hate my eyes." _

"Oh God Matt," And he finally broke down. He wanted Matt back. He wanted him back more than anything in the world.

The only reason he hadn't killed himself yet, was because he was sure Matt made it to heaven. He was going to Hell for sure, and was not looking forward to an eternity without his best friend. He ring his eyes shut and couched the goggles, sobs racking his body.

There would be no detective work today. No meeting clients through Internet connections and no catching criminals from the safety of his home. Not today. Today he would mourn. Everything else could wait until tomorrow.

* * *

_He was being punished. Being punished for his crimes against God. At least, that's what they tell him. He honestly couldn't remember what he did. All he knew was pain. So much pain. _

_His head snapped to the side as a fist slammed into it then another and another. _

_"You will pay for your crimes against God! Do you regret being a sinner?"_

_He choked out a yes and was rewarded with kick to the gut. This was routine now. It told him that they were going to put him back in his cell and he would be allowed to sleep; that the long day of torture was ending. _

_A hand reached down and caressed his face. He looked up at his Punisher, a masked man, and gazed into his eyes. _

_"Who is your god Sinner?"_

_He held the Punisher's gaze and replied honestly, "Kira."_

_The Punisher patted his head and and motioned for him to be brought into his cell. _

_"Soon, Sinner, you will have paid for your crimes. And when that day comes, you can join our God in heaven. Rest now." _

_His cell was simple, concrete walls and floor with an old cot in the corner and a bucket in the other. The guard pushed him in and left him to crawl to his "bed". Once there, he fingered the word carved into the wall just by his head. _

_STAY STRONG FOR M_

_He didn't know when he carved it, or if it was even him for that matter, but he knew it was important. _

_Because he knew that this 'M' was waiting for him. _

* * *

**-A/N-**

**So I only write angst apparently...**

**Review **

**-A/N-**


	3. Purgatory

**-A/N-**

**Check out my other stuff?**

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Death Note. I will never own Death Note. Things would have gone differently if I did, I assure you.**

*All criticism is welcomed. I want you to tell me what works. I want you to tell me what sucks. I won't know unless you say something. Negative criticism is Productive criticism!*

**-A/N-**

* * *

"I assure you, Officer, that if you search Mr. Entonio's house your will find the evidence necessary to convict him and his wife of murder." Mello resisted the urge to sigh and pinched the bridge of his nose. "But, M! We can't just barge in there without a warrant!" The flustered Chief of Police cried out to the computer screen.

"Then get a warrant! If the judge gives you any problems, call me and I'll get one for you." With that, Mello shut off his laptop and leaned back onto the couch. Hangovers were the worst. He had spent the last week drinking practically non-stop, like he always did around _that time_ of the year.

He reached for his pack of cigarettes and lit up. He was so _tired_. But he couldn't sleep. He wouldn't sleep. Not while his dreams were plagued by Matt's voice. Then his phone started to ring.

"Goddamn police can't do anything right anymore!" He stood and stalked over to his cell, knocking several book off the table in frustration.

"I don't want to hear excuses, just give me the name of the judge!" He snapped out.

"Mello." He froze.

"Near." He switched his phone to play his normal voice. He remembered a time when he would've thrown a fit if Near had dared to call him. But ever since Matt's death, Near had been nothing but helpful...and _there_ for him. He no longer held his childish hatred for the albino boy.

"I wish to see Mello right away. Pack and be at the nearest airport within the hour."Blunt as usual.

"Why? I'll be there, but l want to know where this came from. What's so important that you can't tell me over the phone? This is a secure line!" Near paused.

"It's about Kira." Then Mello heard the click signalling the call ending. He moved quickly, only packing essentials, knowing that Near would arrange for the rest of his things should he be gone for a prolonged amount of time. The only reason Near would contact him about something Kira related is that he needed help with a part of the case, and Mello would never refuse an offer to put more of Kira's scum behind bars where they belonged. Never.

* * *

Mello was off Near's private jet the second the pilot gave the go ahead. He might be a little afraid of flying. he grabbed his bags and made his way to the car parked a few feet away. Some guy, Giovanni maybe, was waiting for him, the back door of the car open.

The car ride was silent and took several hours. They had to switch cars a few times and ended up taking a helicopter to the top of a skyscraper. They were in Japan, as far as Mello could tell from reading the signs.

_"_How_ fitting," _he thought, _"I knew we would be led back here eventually."_ He was pulled from his thoughts by Giovanni's voice.

"Near is waiting for you on the 12th floor. You'll be staying on the 11th floor." Mello nodded and picked up his bag. He would see Near before he did anything. This _had_ to be important.

The room where Near was sitting was lined with computer screens, all showing different information. He was sitting on the floor playing with his favorite puzzle and twirling a piece of hair between his fingers.

"Did Mello have a nice flight?" He inquired.

"Hardly," Mello mumbled, looking around for somewhere to sit, "now, are you going to tell me why I'm here?" He settled into an unused computer chair and propped one of his legs on his knee.

"As Mello knows, l have spent the last two years finding and convicting various members of dangerous Kira worshiping factions and terrorist groups. My findings have led me to a more...secret organization. They call themselves 'Purgatory'" Near paused and dumped the pieces of his completed puzzle on the floor before starting over.

"Purgatory is a group of fanatics who kidnaps people and tortures them until they deem their victim 'forgiven for their sins' Then they kill them so the victim can 'take their place by God'..Kira." Mello frowned.

"What type of 'victims'"

"Mostly police officers, law officials, and criminals. But, every now and then, they'll grab a random person off the street. The victims bodies are almost never found before they're mostly decayed and they're always killed the same way." He handed Mello a packet of autopsy reports static that all of the victims had high doses of cocaine in their bloodstream.

"Heart attack..." Mello mumbled, thumbing through the pages.

"So far,"Near continued, " I have only one lead to go on: they're in Japan. It's only logical, as that's where their proclaimed God resided until his death two years ago. l believe they started a few months before Light Yagami's death, even though the first victim was only discovered months after. l only recently picked up on the connection, however." Mello hummed and closed his eyes, going over all the information he'd just heard.

"So I'm here to help you track down Purgatory's location." He heard the sound of the puzzle pieces being dumped back on the floor.

"Yes. But there is another reason l have brought Mello out here for this particular investigation, as l usually wouldn't involve him." Mello's eyes twitched and he forced himself to be patient.

"The most recent victim found was a man by the name of Dandou Tichi, a police officer that worked to capture Higuchi and was involved in several anti-Kira protest groups.. He went missing two years ago shortly after Takada's rise to power. Dandou was believed to be dead, killed for his crimes against Kira and his body destroyed." Mello's heart skipped a beat.

"_No..."_

"I believe there is a 40% chance that Matt is still alive."

Mello shot up out his chair, toppling the piece of furniture over.

"Where do you need me to start looking? I'll start right now!" Mello was angry. He confused. He was _ecstatic._ The thought that his friend was still alive made head spin with excitement...and dread. He knew that if Matt wasn't being held captive, then he was dead. But Mello couldn't stop the hope that surged through his chest.

"_Matt. I'll find you."_

* * *

_He cried out as the whip cracked against his back for the 12th time. Blinding pain raced through him, mixing with the pre existing agony. _

_"Do you repent?" The whip cracked and he scream._

_"Y-yes!" Tears were running down his face. He just wanted it to stop. _

_"Who is your God?" Another crack. Another scream. He could barely form words, he could barely even think through the pain. _

_"K-kira!"_

_Crack._

_"Do you wish for God's forgiveness?"_

_Crack._

_"Yes!"_

_"Do you accept the punishment God has given you for your crimes?"_

_Crack._

_"I-I do!" The whip stopped and the chains around his wrist were released, dropping him to the ground. Todays Punisher eased him into a more comfortable position and started to clean the gaping wounds on his back. _

_"Soon, Sinner, you'll be free. You're cooperating well. God's forgiveness will come swiftly," came the man's tender voice. _

_"What...what did l do? What did l do to deserve this?" His raspy voice dared to ask._

_"You defied God, Child."_

_"Well I'm sorry...for whatever l did. l-I know better now."_

_The Punisher chuckled softly._

_"Yes, yes. You have made excellent progress, child. l remember a time when you used to fight against the word of God until you were blue in the face. I'm sure he has witnessed your progress and is prepared to forgive you. Then you can take your place by his side." He closed his tired eyes and relaxed._

_"Punisher?"_

_"Yes Child?"_

_"Do you know who M is?"_

_"M? Ah, l believe he was once an acquaintance of yours. If l'm thinking right, he was just as big of a Sinner as you."_

_"Has he been forgiven yet?"_

_"No, l do not believe so, Child."_

_"He was important to me...I hope he is forgiven soon." He allowed the darkness around his eyes consume him, numbing the pain and bringing a much needed relief. _

_"Me too, child, me too."_

* * *

**-A/N-**

**So here's this. Still pretty short, but I'm trying. I'm really excited about this idea though. **

**Review?**

**-A/N-**


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